Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Taking Self-Defense Into My Own Hands

Most of you already know that I'm married to a public servant. Yep, one who protects and defends the public. It's been years since he held a position of actually coming into contact with the public on a daily basis. For 21 years he has been a pilot. Assisting law enforcement on the ground or fighting Southern California fires. He still puts his life on the line daily. Because of that factor the department has provided him with certain items to protect himself. One such item is a bullet proof vest.

I'm sure you are probably wondering where I'm headed with this, or why on earth I'm even telling you. Well, I've decided that if I'm going to continue to hang out with my 82 year old father, I am going to need to borrow the vest. I seriously think I could be one random, loudly spoken, inappropriate comment away from having someone inflict bodily harm upon me simply because I'm in his presence.

Let me make it perfectly clear that my dad doesn't set out to embarrass me. He has simply lost his ability to filter things between his brain and his mouth. If he is thinking it.....he says it. But, oh my word! Then you add the fact that he TALKS SO LOUD! There is really not much hope that the person didn't hear him. We've been lucky so far and no one has responded.

So, yesterday, I took dad with me to return something to Kohl's. IF you are the beautiful woman walking through the store with the three little girls who were about 3, 18 months and a newborn I sincerely apologize. I am sure that you do 'know what causes your children to be born' and I am equally as sure that you do other things 'in your spare time.' I am also sure that you may have just wanted 3 children close together and that you are not 'having them until you get your boy.' Thank you for not knocking either mine or my father's blocks off.

If you are the young woman sitting across from us, with her boyfriend, at the Olive Garden, I am mortified and profusely apologize. I am quite certain that you would have 'been able to sneeze in your strapless dress without your breasts falling out.' I mean, really. I'm sorry that he even noticed because the dress was not the least bit inappropriate nor were your breasts ever in danger of falling out. I don't think you ever sneezed anyway. Again, I apologize.

Next time, I just may borrow the vest. If he keeps getting worse, I may have to borrow a riot helmet and shield. I'm not licensed to carry a gun so that won't be an option. I think the average citizen can buy pepper spray. Maybe I just need to get some of that. Then I could spray dad if he even thought about making one of his ridiculous comments.


Vicki said...

A simple roll of duct tape should do the job. Carry one with you at all times.

Thoughts on Life and Millinery. said...

Are you sure that was YOUR dad and not MY dad you took to Kohls and Olive Garden??? This was in San Diego, right? Where my dad lives too?

My dad has said exactly the same kind of things out in public. Loudly too. And I have no bullet proof vest to protect me.

At least you know you are not alone. We made it through uncensored toddler comments, we'll make it through uncensored "too older" comments too.

Heather said...

too funny...!!!I think your dad was eating dinner at the country club last night...or at least someone who sounded like him. ha ha!